I Am Judgemental

I can’t spew half truths and I let it be known —

I make the Father of Lies ashamed

With my opinion on whatavever you bring to my table

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Meek

Wish I had more hurtful words to say —

Anything that would cut us both so deeply 

I couldn’t say it to your face, but

My hate pool is shallow

As a bird bath fountain. 

Anything too terrible to speak

Is always said in front of a mirror

With dry lips and a tired face

.

I’m the meek

And the lamb, 

I am the doves of peace

Flying in confusion

.

Ignite my lost

Aggressiveness…

My justified anger

Must be hiding somewhere

In the lonely depths of some blue ocean

Ready to resurface

.

ML

.

This isn’t a poem…? I suppose I’m just venting. People get so revolted with me for not feeling angry when I should be… It’s tiring. I wish I could change because this characteristic can be a huge flaw too.

Oatmeal

Keats, dead at twenty five;

De Azevedo was gone by twenty;

A myriad of other young talents

Falling like raindrops —

What am I doing with my life

Eating oatmeal at 2pm on a rainy day

In a lonely January? A few months

To meet the sixth year

Of my fall into

This assumed adulthood of chaos and cheap meals

.

ML
Not a poem, I guess? More like a passing thought.

Ukrainian Girl (Thoughts)

Months ago, a train sent her down to

The silence of the dead,

But you still send her text messages

Thinking she will reply somehow

From the other side,

Where sunlight will never reach

.

Don’t you know

They have no wifi there

In the quiet depths? She will never respond,

But you need a friend on this side;

Tell me how to help you heal the wound

That will always stay open

.

ML

City Tour Ramblings

Sunshine breaks through the clouds; in a dirty city

Where no one has time to breathe anymore.

Pollution or human nature?

Perhaps God is angry at us.

Maybe he’s long forgotten

About the people caught in the moment between now and eternity

.

ML

Floating

Beating around reality,

Getting caught in the bush. 

Endymion sleeps without knowing:

I had a love I lost in the stratosphere.

We never said a word,

I bit holes in my cheeks. 

Tunneled to a sound you can’t make;

It’s a wave,

And like all waves,

It diminishes

.

Thank you, Ayde. Wouldn’t have found that without your comment. 

Mid-air

Falling down

Just to meet the concrete —

Petals will always

Dance anyway

.

ML

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I wrote a really long poem, then realized I didn’t like it. So I deleted half and 90% of the words. But I like it a lot better now, hmm. So I’m good.

PS. How does one delete half (50%) and 90% at the same time? Lol I can’t with my own math. God, it’s 4am.

No hashtags

It’s like my life is falling apart even though everything is pretty much okay irl. I’m just really depressed. 

A few years ago I had the chance to adopt a child at the place I was doing volunteer work. I loved that child, but I didn’t have a job nor a partner, so I gave up on the idea. Years later and I’m still haunted by it. I’m always thinking about that baby, and I always catch myself feeling guilty and sad over it. I always think it’s like I abandoned that child, but I know it’s not true because I was still a child myself too. Still am to an extent. I know I’m overdramatic, but I know I won’t ever forgive myself for that. 

I’m not taking medicine anymore, I dropped my antidepressants a couple months ago, and to be completely honest, I don’t want to take them anymore. I really wish I’d have the balls to kill myself, but I don’t wanna go through the consequences of a failed attempt anymore. I’ve done that way too many times. I wish someone would show up at my door today and drag me outside and take me anywhere so I could forget about why my life is so absolutely meaningless. But no one will. And realistically speaking, maybe I’d say no if anyone did.

I know I probably sound like an extremely negative person, but I always try to be positive with others, and even myself, when I’m not in this awful state of mind. It’s a mental and emotional war where the logical part of my brain and my deepest, craziest feelings don’t give each other a break. I’m in my mid 20’s with the chances of getting a possibly nice career ahead of me; I have a diploma, I have a job that doesn’t pay me much, but is what I love doing. Still, here I am, feeling hopeless. I guess I don’t have the things I truly need to be happy, but I don’t even know what those things may be. I think that, in the end, I don’t have anything.

I’m publishing this because talking about my feelings was the original purpose of my blog anyway. As time passed, I started adding lots of stuff. It’s my journal, so why not? I’m also publishing this because I don’t want to talk to anyone I know IRL, or worry my handful of online friends anymore with my nonsense and whining, but not telling the world about the way I feel seems impossible. Yesterday I locked myself in my room and screamed at the top my lungs for no reason. I stopped because I didn’t want my neighbors to call the police. I think I just need to express myself, but how can I do that if by opening up, I worry and hurt others? 

It’s like I’m just waiting for more years to pass, and hoping that a miracle will happen. When I was younger I thought I wouldn’t be here after turning 20, and here I am. So the idea of being here in my mid 20’s and beyond is really scary. And at the same time I feel like I’m guilty of feeling the way I do because I should appreciate life somehow. But I don’t.

I feel a lot of physical pain too, and according to two doctors, it’s all in my head. I’ve gone through a bunch of tests and CT scans, and I’m healthy according to them, but my pelvic area hurts so much. It’s just making things worse. Maybe it’s really just in my head, which means I’m just making my own situation worse — again, it’s just my brain fighting with itself over something I don’t understand.

.

ML

Daily Banalities

Just took a shower

And wrapped my hair in a towel.

Walking back to my bed,

Always to the bedroom on the left.

The lights are always off

And there’s no people home.

No plans for tomorrow

And no real moment to live tonight —

Just cinnamon tea

And the same songs, over and over;

A thousand times

.

ML