City Tour Ramblings

Sunshine breaks through the clouds; in a dirty city

Where no one has time to breathe anymore.

Pollution or human nature?

Perhaps God is angry at us.

Maybe he’s long forgotten

About the people caught in the moment between now and eternity

.

ML

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Floating

Beating around reality,

Getting caught in the bush. 

Endymion sleeps without knowing:

I had a love I lost in the stratosphere.

We never said a word,

I bit holes in my cheeks. 

Tunneled to a sound you can’t make;

It’s a wave,

And like all waves,

It diminishes

.

Thank you, Ayde. Wouldn’t have found that without your comment. 

Mid-air

Falling down

Just to meet the concrete —

Petals will always

Dance anyway

.

ML

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I wrote a really long poem, then realized I didn’t like it. So I deleted half and 90% of the words. But I like it a lot better now, hmm. So I’m good.

PS. How does one delete half (50%) and 90% at the same time? Lol I can’t with my own math. God, it’s 4am.

No hashtags

It’s like my life is falling apart even though everything is pretty much okay irl. I’m just really depressed. 

A few years ago I had the chance to adopt a child at the place I was doing volunteer work. I loved that child, but I didn’t have a job nor a partner, so I gave up on the idea. Years later and I’m still haunted by it. I’m always thinking about that baby, and I always catch myself feeling guilty and sad over it. I always think it’s like I abandoned that child, but I know it’s not true because I was still a child myself too. Still am to an extent. I know I’m overdramatic, but I know I won’t ever forgive myself for that. 

I’m not taking medicine anymore, I dropped my antidepressants a couple months ago, and to be completely honest, I don’t want to take them anymore. I really wish I’d have the balls to kill myself, but I don’t wanna go through the consequences of a failed attempt anymore. I’ve done that way too many times. I wish someone would show up at my door today and drag me outside and take me anywhere so I could forget about why my life is so absolutely meaningless. But no one will. And realistically speaking, maybe I’d say no if anyone did.

I know I probably sound like an extremely negative person, but I always try to be positive with others, and even myself, when I’m not in this awful state of mind. It’s a mental and emotional war where the logical part of my brain and my deepest, craziest feelings don’t give each other a break. I’m in my mid 20’s with the chances of getting a possibly nice career ahead of me; I have a diploma, I have a job that doesn’t pay me much, but is what I love doing. Still, here I am, feeling hopeless. I guess I don’t have the things I truly need to be happy, but I don’t even know what those things may be. I think that, in the end, I don’t have anything.

I’m publishing this because talking about my feelings was the original purpose of my blog anyway. As time passed, I started adding lots of stuff. It’s my journal, so why not? I’m also publishing this because I don’t want to talk to anyone I know IRL, or worry my handful of online friends anymore with my nonsense and whining, but not telling the world about the way I feel seems impossible. Yesterday I locked myself in my room and screamed at the top my lungs for no reason. I stopped because I didn’t want my neighbors to call the police. I think I just need to express myself, but how can I do that if by opening up, I worry and hurt others? 

It’s like I’m just waiting for more years to pass, and hoping that a miracle will happen. When I was younger I thought I wouldn’t be here after turning 20, and here I am. So the idea of being here in my mid 20’s and beyond is really scary. And at the same time I feel like I’m guilty of feeling the way I do because I should appreciate life somehow. But I don’t.

I feel a lot of physical pain too, and according to two doctors, it’s all in my head. I’ve gone through a bunch of tests and CT scans, and I’m healthy according to them, but my pelvic area hurts so much. It’s just making things worse. Maybe it’s really just in my head, which means I’m just making my own situation worse — again, it’s just my brain fighting with itself over something I don’t understand.

.

ML

Daily Banalities

Just took a shower

And wrapped my hair in a towel.

Walking back to my bed,

Always to the bedroom on the left.

The lights are always off

And there’s no people home.

No plans for tomorrow

And no real moment to live tonight —

Just cinnamon tea

And the same songs, over and over;

A thousand times

.

ML

Finally

Words swim through the distance between us.

Smiles go back and forth

Around our thoughts

And on our faces.

Shining bright, this deep universe

Stays unnamed between the two of us

.

ML

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PS. Just a quick update to say I’m alright. Uninspired to the bone, but okay.

Life is good for once & only God knows why, but I feel so random:

I’m getting healthier. The sky was blue this morning. I still feed stray cats. Victor says hi, he’s made me feel really happy lately. I play mindless videogames now. And I just graduated. Let me enjoy not doing anything for a while. I’m gonna buy some ice cream tomorrow. And your engagement ring. Love is everywhere. Yes, life’s good right now.

Hopefully it will just get better and better.

Thought

Stubborn tears, they never come —

There are nights

When they deny themselves;

Nights

Supposed to be stormy

.

And outside

The night falls dry

And warm,

Not knowing that we have a desert

Indoors

.

ML

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Not a “poem” again, I guess. Just a random, loneliness fueled thought I transformed into one. Translated from one my posts in Portuguese (2nd blog).

Sickly Romantic (But Only Before Bed)

I thought I’d never remember

The shade of blue in her eyes,

But her face came to me smiling

In the memories I thought

I had left behind.

Tomorrow morning

I won’t remember you anymore,

But the morning sky

Will leave me sad

And wondering what the hell

I have been missing

.

ML

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I’m always out of ideas for titles. I usually solve the problem by picking a line from the poem, but sometimes I’ll just read it again and think “okay, what will I think about myself/that time when I read this again next month/year? …Ah, I’ll probably think THIS. Okay, that’s a smart title. Or maybe not. Anyway…”

I may change it later. We will see. Off to bed now!