Sometimes I think to myself my life would be so much better if I had a time machine, but would it really? I sit here and wish I could go back to avoid getting to know you better. Woe is me, woe is me. I believe you loved me, but wisely never gave me a proper chance. You know we’d be doomed together because we simply couldn’t be together, and that we’d suffer so much trying. Our “together” was over since the start. You were in love with that guy, and I was in love with the idea of loving you.
Honestly, all I wish is that I could make things different for us and maybe have a chance to look you in the eyes. I still ask myself if you are my soulmate, or the closest of what one would be, whatever that is. You changed so much in me, without even knowing what you were doing. Sometimes when I start my woe-is-me cycle over and over again, that same old thought comes back and I wonder if the current life that I am living, of a semi-functional grown-up with a degree and bills to pay, has really any meaning. I’m always on and off psych meds, and seeking comfort in memories and daydreams that once had more meaning to me. I avoid thinking too deeply about those things because I’m not twenty two with you anymore, but sometimes I still wish I had that time machine.
Today I left the house to pick up new expensive frames for my two favorite portraits. It was raining a lot and I sat somewhere to think about what my life has come to. I’ve wanted to die since I was a preteen, but kept giving myself new chances between failed suicide attempts. Truth is that no matter how much I still want to die, I will probably never go through with it again, mostly because I have no energy left to wake up after a big and sad failure again — and because I don’t own a gun. No matter how much people want to romanticize depression, it is not pretty. Nothing is when you don’t want to live.
On a side note, I hope to post more often again; I need to distract myself, write and read more again because my brain has been kind of dead since June or July.
I am still awesome, even if this world can’t see that (silly world!) and my great friends are still the greatest people ever.
The sun shines. Gotta open the windows.