No hashtags because I just want to vent

Sometimes I think to myself my life would be so much better if I had a time machine, but would it really? I sit here and wish I could go back to avoid getting to know you better. Woe is me, woe is me. I believe you loved me, but wisely never gave me a proper chance. You know we’d be doomed together because we simply couldn’t be together, and that we’d suffer so much trying. Our “together” was over since the start. You were in love with that guy, and I was in love with the idea of loving you.

Honestly, all I wish is that I could make things different for us and maybe have a chance to look you in the eyes. I still ask myself if you are my soulmate, or the closest of what one would be, whatever that is. You changed so much in me, without even knowing what you were doing. Sometimes when I start my woe-is-me cycle over and over again, that same old thought comes back and I wonder if the current life that I am living, of a semi-functional grown-up with a degree and bills to pay, has really any meaning. I’m always on and off psych meds, and seeking comfort in memories and daydreams that once had more meaning to me. I avoid thinking too deeply about those things because I’m not twenty two with you anymore, but sometimes I still wish I had that time machine.

Today I left the house to pick up new expensive frames for my two favorite portraits. It was raining a lot and I sat somewhere to think about what my life has come to. I’ve wanted to die since I was a preteen, but kept giving myself new chances between failed suicide attempts. Truth is that no matter how much I still want to die, I will probably never go through with it again, mostly because I have no energy left to wake up after a big and sad failure again — and because I don’t own a gun. No matter how much people want to romanticize depression, it is not pretty. Nothing is when you don’t want to live.

On a side note, I hope to post more often again; I need to distract myself, write and read more again because my brain has been kind of dead since June or July.

I am still awesome, even if this world can’t see that (silly world!) and my great friends are still the greatest people ever.

The sun shines. Gotta open the windows.

.

ML

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2 thoughts on “No hashtags because I just want to vent

  1. I think of you often. I recently started participating in a mindfulness group – one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Very timely too, since I am being weaned off my meds. I wish there was something like this for you where you are. It is being used more and more to treat pain, mental health issues and a number of other conditions. I find myself so much more at peace now, as well as being significantly more in control of my emotional state. I don’t dwell nearly as much in the past, thinking and ruminating about the troubles I have endured (some of whom are still lurking in the background) and I don’t fret as much about the future. I miss your writings and hope you can find the inspiration to get back into them. Take care of yourself. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Reading you say you think about me often made me happy because I like to know someone remembers me from my blog, especially you, Kathy, since you’re always so kind to me. Thank you.
      I did write a lot yesterday, actually. Unfortunately it wasn’t in English and I rarely ever post anything in my mother tongue, so I guess I/we will have to wait until the next time I feel inspired to write (hopefully it’s going to happen soon) … Not saying you should expect Shakespeare, though hahaha. Like I said yesterday, my brain has been kind of dead.
      You’re right about the past. Honestly this is just a bad habit, I keep going back to old things I can’t change just to punish myself, maybe. I think that posting helped me a lot though, I woke up feeling slightly better, probably from throwing up those thoughts. I hope you’re good, it’s always a pleasure to have you here x

      Like

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