An Open Journal

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I remember when I started this baby blog in the final days of 2015. I was about to start taking a new antidepressant — not because I wanted to get better, but because I love my mother, sisters, and nephew, and wanted to live to be here for them. I was okay with the idea of living an unhappy existence — not a life, but an existence.

I decided I needed a “safe” place to express my feelings: write poetry, rant, and post my incomprehensible ramblings, without having to share my “real” identity. I ended up creating this blog.

After the new med, and eventually, the addition of lithium… I can’t say I’m happy, or live a less painful life. Far from it. Life has been a rocky road. However, I think I feel a lot better now, not because I’m on the new psych meds, but because I have a place to post my poetry, and fulfill a place in my heart with creations from the entire world.
A place where I can vomit my feelings without any restrictions. Bleh. I love the thought that my own world is out there, ready to be read and felt, even if my world is just a small, tiny, blue, heart shaped planet.

Anyway, this was just a thought. I’m always so thankful for having this sacred place on the Internet.

Words — especially in the shape of poetry, as I always say! — have always saved me, in many, many ways. I can’t thank them enough. Words can create action. Action can recreate worlds.

I uploaded the picture of my sleepy eye right after the first week, I think. I just wanted to fall asleep in nothingness. I was too tired of hospital beds, suicide attempts, bad memories… Really tired of throwing myself in the darkest depths, not on purpose, but because I couldn’t stop myself — the urge has always been too strong.
My eyes just wanted to let their heavy eyelids fall, and stare into a peaceful, timeless world of darkness.

I deleted it after a while, but now it’s back… I guess that my eyes still have a lot to see, even when I’m in the pits of hell.

I want to keep them open for now.

.

ML

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52 thoughts on “An Open Journal

      1. I know it’s hard to pick one, that’s why I asked.

        Ah, I kind of thought it would be Shelley. Still, what’s your favorite *poem* ? (: yes, I ask complicated questions.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. so I hope you love complicated answers too… the first poem that I fell in love with was Shelley’s The Sensitive Plant… that in fact made me fall in love with English poetry itself. then came his Ode to West Wind I am yet to come across a poem with more spirit, particularly the ending. but the sublimity of Ozymandias had my mind blown to that desert land and before I could catch my breath again came the Skylark with her angelic tweets and finally his Adonais is the greatest ode to poetry and poets ever written. ok, now with Shelley out of the way, my favorite poems would be: When Lilacs Last, The Second Coming, Ulysses, The Wasteland, Love Song of J A Prufrock, Ancient Mariner, Kubla Khan, Ode to a Nightingale… and so many more…. the list will just have to go on and on and on… ( and I seem to have missed Derek Walcott, one of my favorite poets)

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I thought the question was inherent in my answer… May I know what are your favorite poems? (what’s the point of asking you in singular after giving you list of that proportion!)

        Liked by 1 person

      4. how would I know my introduction to Eluard is also your favorite poem? though TBH my attention is elsewhere tonight, on the gloom of future, to be exact!

        Like

  1. I feel sadness in your words, that you have gone through. I wish you a happy life. Take care of yourself and never try to commit suicide or taking the option to quit. Keep expressing yourself on this blog. Happy Blogging! Keep smiling. :) <3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the sweet words, Shreya. Your comment means a lot. I’m doing my best for my family, so I don’t want to quit. I hope you can live a marvelous life.
      Many hugs ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The place where the most of us flows out, is where our flowers grow. There admist well watered thoughts we pluck the fruit of hope if only to dream. May your safe place never warrant destruction.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your beautiful, wise words, A. Ramsey. You’re always invited to visit this garden.
      Also, I’m not sure if I ever told you, but I really enjoy your poems.
      Peace.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for the compliment! ^.^ As well as the open invitation. I always find your poetry thought provoking, even if I don’t articulate that well. I hope to see more from you!

        Liked by 1 person

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