I remember when I started this baby blog in the final days of 2015. I was about to start taking a new antidepressant — not because I wanted to get better, but because I love my mother, sisters, and nephew, and wanted to live to be here for them. I was okay with the idea of living an unhappy existence — not a life, but an existence.
I decided I needed a “safe” place to express my feelings: write poetry, rant, and post my incomprehensible ramblings, without having to share my “real” identity. I ended up creating this blog.
After the new med, and eventually, the addition of lithium… I can’t say I’m happy, or live a less painful life. Far from it. Life has been a rocky road. However, I think I feel a lot better now, not because I’m on the new psych meds, but because I have a place to post my poetry, and fulfill a place in my heart with creations from the entire world.
A place where I can vomit my feelings without any restrictions. Bleh. I love the thought that my own world is out there, ready to be read and felt, even if my world is just a small, tiny, blue, heart shaped planet.
Anyway, this was just a thought. I’m always so thankful for having this sacred place on the Internet.
Words — especially in the shape of poetry, as I always say! — have always saved me, in many, many ways. I can’t thank them enough. Words can create action. Action can recreate worlds.
I uploaded the picture of my sleepy eye right after the first week, I think. I just wanted to fall asleep in nothingness. I was too tired of hospital beds, suicide attempts, bad memories… Really tired of throwing myself in the darkest depths, not on purpose, but because I couldn’t stop myself — the urge has always been too strong.
My eyes just wanted to let their heavy eyelids fall, and stare into a peaceful, timeless world of darkness.
I deleted it after a while, but now it’s back… I guess that my eyes still have a lot to see, even when I’m in the pits of hell.
I want to keep them open for now.