Kill Me For Being Too Honest About My Feelings

There’s nothing I can do about it. I think that being this open is good; sorry if I’m not shady as people usually are. Sorry. I’ve been trying to cheer myself up with stupid YouTube videos because if I stop to think even for a little, I’ll fall on my knees and cry my heart out. But you know, being goofy is nice, and maybe that’s what I need to ease my pain and suffering; maybe that’s what I need to feel less comfortable here in the darkest depths — open the windows, force myself to crawl out of this world, even if I don’t want to. I will hate you for it, but at least I’ll survive. Isn’t that what everyone wants? I will live, but miserably. But I will live.

Now I just need someone to open the windows. I’m too tired to do that myself. Everyone says no to me, and when they say yes, they just want to throw themselves with me on my bed and roll on top of me and hide both of us under the sheets. Or worse — some just want to be leeches, like that vampire who used me for over two years and said that everything he did was in the name of our love. No, it wasn’t. You did what you did because I was always there, you knew I wouldn’t leave, so you did a bunch of stupid things, never regretted them, and did those other things to try to repair the cracks in my heart, so you could keep using me and drinking from my love. After goodbye… I guess I’m the villain, am I not? You paranoid monster. Selfish, selfish man.

I guess this post needed a bit of a rant. Yeah, over.

Anyway,

All the good people in my life, I just wish I could say thank you right now… And You. I feel too sick right now to think about what that man did to you. Part of me wishes I had tried to stop you from going to bed. “Don’t go”, I thought. “I don’t want to be alone” — but maybe I need to feel some loneliness tonight. I hope you know you never make me feel bad when you talk about him, or rant. I absolutely love talking to you, no matter if we talk about bears, wheelchairs, suicide, dresses, Christmas… I love talking with you. But somehow you keep thinking he’s a saint when everything implies that he’s a freaking liar. Accept that he’s a total MORON, please. You say you believe that he wasn’t that honest, but truth is I don’t feel like you do. Stop trying to save him from the things he did to YOU, and don’t just say it — really believe the words liar and moron because that’s what he is. No more weeks of waiting, please. He’s had enough from you. More than enough, honestly. This is not my heart speaking to you, this is my brain, and I’m trying to be lucid here.

“Someone” once said I’m a unicorn (no, I wasn’t high when I wrote the previous post — I made a bunch of references, you just won’t get them) because I’m all bubbly and like to cheer people up despite how I feel inside, and sometimes let my exterior looks too, with sad eyes in my sad looking face. I like being light hearted, even when I feel horrible. But that’s not how it is supposed to work, I think.

God… Nausea… This is killing me.
I feel like this post is going to get some updates later tonight, we’ll see. I am alone, I feel lonely and I guess I am going to feel worse from now on. Yep. I feel worse already… Just like a crashed airplane — all over the place, destroyed and on fire.

PS. Hi, doctor. I know we’ll only talk in, like, ten days, but I don’t think lithium is working for me. Yes, I know you said it is mostly used to treat bipolarity, but that it can also be used to treat depression — however, my tummy is complaining. I want to throw up… And I’m not happy about getting constant blood tests. Maybe I just need a few days to adjust to it, but right now, I feel like a ___________ (fill in the blank and have fun).

.

ML

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