Ten minutes of hope

What you said tonight made me feel a little better. I hope you really mean the things you said. Let’s see if things will go back to normal once this terribly busy week is over for you. You know… I’m really just a human. A pretty flawed one, to be honest. I’ve felt so disconnected from you, too. Detached would probably be a better word.

Don’t see me as a taken for granted robot, please.

I wish I wouldn’t say this because depending on others is silly and unwise… Just a bad, bad idea, I know… I always say that people shouldn’t rely on romantic partners… I’ve always condemned that as if I really knew how life works… But you’re one of the biggest reasons why I’m trying to hold on.

And trust me, I don’t have many reasons to do that.

I want to be with you. I do.

I really do love you.

Surprisingly, I really had a dream about him last night. I guess I shouldn’t doubt my needy heart. Though ironically… I don’t remember the dream itself. All I know is that he was there with me.
But truth is that I don’t care. My friendship with him won’t progress, not simply because I can’t, but because I don’t want that.

For you, I’d rather feel numb than needy. I’d freeze all my feelings if I could, just to wait for you as I am right now. I would silence the neediness in me, just to wait for you. I know I’m probably really naïve, childish and even stupid to this world.

But that’s what I want… I want to be with you.
Being raised in the way I was… This is my ideal of love and affection. No matter the distance, I’ll wait if you try your best too, and stay loyal to me. I want to be by your side, not in a clingy, suffocating way, but as someone who will not only understand you, but wait the necessary time.

I say “understand” because I really do understand the circumstances. Lately I’ve felt so insignificant in your life, but I know I have to be patient. You had plans and a bright road ahead of you. You were ready to walk on your chosen path, but life took that away. Life can be unfair, I know that. It’s been unfair to me, too.

Yet life has given me to you. I’ve always wanted someone to love me like I love you. I don’t know how to love little. I am someone who does care about you. I won’t let go of you unless you push me away, and even if you did, I’d struggle to let myself do that…
I know who I am… Secretly, I’m just a puppy. A puppy waiting for you to come back home.

I always wonder who I would be if I had been raised by other people, away from this cult. Maybe I’d be one of the “independent” ones. I say that because I want to love you and make my love and support felt and seen, but don’t want to drown you with me, or in my own feelings. I don’t want to be one with you — I want us two to be part of one, if that makes any sense.

So, please, don’t take me or my feelings for granted. I am a real person, too.

Even though I am not there right now, I am here for you… And I want to get there to be by your side. I know this probably isn’t enough, but it’s all I have… It really is my best.

I know how different we are… You’re a very “practical” person. You always go ahead and do whatever needs to be done. Me? I’m your opposite. Always overanalyzing things, always trying to be careful. Every single action requires a plan. Even a plan B, or a plan C.

But somehow we always seem perfect together. Together, we’re complete. These differences between us were the biggest reasons why we’ve always felt attracted to each other.
Right now, in this bed, I’m overanalyzing the things you said. You have no idea how those few minutes with you tonight meant a lot to me. You really have no idea. I hope you mean the things you said.

Someone once told me that even though I’m too idealistic, I’m mature. Is that so? I think that’s so far from the truth…

I wish you could understand how I feel, but I’m glad that you don’t. We were raised in different ways. We are different people. You’re a strong person.

I don’t have much. At least that’s what I think.

You’re really one of the few amazing things I have in this life, but even if I had more great things, you’d still be my number one.

I’m so fragile right now. Just ready to be heartbroken. I wish I could ask you to hug me and never let that happen to me.

.

ML

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